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Last Resort Part 1
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I don’t think I can last like this…
I should be happy because my plan is working perfectly.
Well, should I? It’s a torture. Maybe I’m
killing myself without noticing. All of this… is
for her…
Is it right to throw away everything you’ve worked
so hard for because you think that you don’t deserve
“that” everything?
I thought something isn’t right, I don’t
think I deserve to be with her. She’s very (when
I say “very”, its super) beautiful, intelligent,
nice, loving and she comes from a well known family, while
I’m just an average kind of man. Every time we are
with each other, all I want to do is to hug her and tell
her I love her. However our difference in status makes
me feel that I don’t really deserve someone like
her. Maybe I’m not the one for her. She has many
suitors who are well groomed and more handsome than me
because she’s very attractive.
So I came up with a plan, a plan that will change Everything.
I… Must… Ruin… Everything… So
that she will hate me… So that when I’m gone,
she won’t feel bad breaking up with me. She will
feel happier.
Eight months later (now), my plan is at its peak. She
doesn’t like me right now.
My plan started slowly. I began by saying that I don’t
deserve her because of our differences. I tell her about
it often. About two times a week. The roots have been
planted. Ever since planting the roots of destruction,
we always fight before we settle in a lull.
It was December 2008 when a friend of ours had her 18th
birthday. I thought of using it as another opportunity
to set up a fight. On the day after the birthday, she
asked me of what I thought of the celebrant.
I said, “She’s beautiful.” even though
what I wanted to say was, “You’re more beautiful.”
I couldn’t say what I thought and it hurts so badly
but I can’t show it in front of her. This incident
helped the roots sprout its first buds of hate. Since
then, whenever I tell her that she’s beautiful,
she will remember what I said about our friend. My plans
started to formulate and it really hurts me very much.
However, I had to do it as it’s for her own good…
January 2009 came and whenever we’re happy, I would
start a fight. We fight everyday. It will always end up
with a respite before the next fight again. Her warm personality
towards me starts to cool down. This hurts me too. Every
time I hurt her feelings, it hurts me twice as much. Nevertheless,
I always felt that when the time comes and it all ends,
she will be thrice as happy…
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